Reflections

I hope it’s okay to tell the truth.

For what seems like years, the LORD has been speaking with me in a highly confusing way. He protects me and directs me, but whenever I ask questions about why it is that He makes me sit and feel frustrated for hours on end, He doesn’t answer me.

He keeps telling me to just have a vape, have another cup of tea, have another bottle of water.

I cannot make sense of the way in which God has led everyone in my life to reject me. Whenever I try to contact anyone my communications are met with silence. I feel so abandoned and keep asking God if this is because He hates me and has forsaken me. He says He hasn’t, but He tells me things that aren’t true all the time — like ‘such and such is going to happen’, ‘you will have a great night, I promise’, ‘you will die peacefully in your sleep tonight, I promise’, but it’s all lies.

I know it’s God talking to me because I’m a Christian, I was baptised in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and I have spent a great deal of time evangelising in recent years.

But I have also been troubled about my identity for years and the LORD isn’t giving me clarity. My walk as a Christian used to be very different. These days I feel like I’m in a continual state of limbo and have no sense of direction, no certainty, and at times I feel so desperate and hopeless.

The LORD is mighty and wise and all I can do is trust.

God won’t let me work, which I find highly confusing. He also refuses to let me live to any kind of routine, which in a sense is freeing but in another sense makes me feel continually stuck.

I often feel too depressed to go to bed so end up staying awake until I’m so tired that I virtually collapse on the floor. I don’t know why but the thought of getting into bed pains me.

I have been surrounded by evil for many years and it’s not at all easy. I’m thankful for God and count my blessings often, offering my sacrifice of thanksgiving regularly. I’ve been in hospital for around six months and the thought of returning to the accommodation where I was suffering every day from spiritual and emotional attacks from my neighbours fills me with dread.

It’s so depressing because I believe in miracles, and pray for miracles, and I know that God can turn around any situation for good in an instant if He is willing.

Sometimes, these days, He won’t even let me read the Bible!!! And He doesn’t explain why!!! This is so, so hard.

I’ll end on a positive note. I was moved to a room in this hospital that has a toilet and a shower and is quite spacious. I’m thankful I have a laptop and a phone, plenty of clothes, food and drink, a key for the door to my room, and windows to let in light. And I feel a little better for sharing these thoughts.

God bless you, readers of this blog. Much love.