Reflections

It’s always a joy to realise you are alive, especially when you have a beautiful album of music to lift your spirits.

Last night, I gave up, again! That’s twice in about a week. I said to Jesus that I can’t do it anymore — I can’t cope. I quite often feel as though death is near. But He led me to this album by Catherine O’Connell, which was a delight to my ears and brought tears to my eyes, and although I felt woefully inadequate while listening to this album, it gave me the strength to survive an evening which involved an attack on my life and a state of terrible despair.

As a Christian living in the will of God after I repented of my sins and gave my life to Christ, I felt peace, even through all the trials that Christians face. Life got a great deal harder following my suicide attempt as I struggled with my identity on a daily basis and God began to tell me things which challenged the understanding I had of being a follower of Christ, devoted to serving Him with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength.

What do you do when God tells you different things about your identity from day to day and week to week. “You are Jesus!” “You are the only God who ever has lived or ever will live!” “You have been promoted to God of Earth!” “You have been promoted to God of all creation!” Life is no longer a devoted walk with Christ but a confusing journey in which all you can do is keep trusting and keep going, being thankful for the mercies of each day.

I have been saying the Lord’s Prayer more often than ever before and speaking blessings over the people I encounter in my life, while trying to bless and help them in any way I can, though we can and should never take any credit for our actions of course, as the whole of existence is from Him and through Him and to Him, and we are only flesh; only dust.

Or are we? When God tells me I am so much more than just dust to Him and I feel His love, it feels real. I suppose there is a duality that we all face of being merely dust and being children of an all-powerful God who shows us a great deal of kindness and love.

What happens when we die? The Bible says that those who believe in Jesus will never die. But what does this mean? Does anyone really understand? I see graves with crosses on them, and those people appear to have died in the flesh, though perhaps their bodies were transformed in the twinkling of an eye into Heavenly bodies. My understanding of the Bible is so base and meagre.

I have ordered a new Bible here on the hospital ward and although God tells me I have read the Bible enough and understand it well enough, I certainly do not feel that this is the case. LORD, have mercy! Christ, have mercy! LORD, have mercy!

The hardest thing I have been dealing with is God saying things to me that apparently aren’t true — that certain things are going to happen and they don’t happen. Please pray for me about this as it causes me terrible anguish! I trust Him through it all, but it means I exist in a state of daily confusion and uncertainty. Nevertheless, praise and glory be to Him forever and ever.

As Catherine O’Connell sings so beautifully on ‘I Arise Today’, “It can be a hard, hard, road.”

Apologies for any errors, typos, inconsistencies, or other mistakes in this article.

Peace be with you.

Love x